


Five times Ianto nearly tells the team about Lisa - (And one time he really does)

by Sheela



Category: Torchwood
Genre: 5 Times, Angst, Confessions, F/M, Gen, M/M, Pre-Episode: s01e04 Cyberwoman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 02:23:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheela/pseuds/Sheela
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Does exactly what it says on the tin.<br/>Set before episode 1x04 "Cyberwoman".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five times Ianto nearly tells the team about Lisa - (And one time he really does)

**Author's Note:**

> My first Torchwood fanfic (originally written in 2007) and I decided that I would start with something small to get a feel for the characters.

1.

Ianto sits on the table in the autopsy room. It is cold and uncomfortable, and makes Ianto wonder vaguely about why they don't have a proper medical bay, only a place to dissect bodies. Owen has just finished putting seven stitches in the cut on his shoulder and a butterfly bandage on his forehead. He has informed Ianto that he shouldn't be alone tonight as there's a good chance that he might have concussion and be prone to bouts of dizziness. Ianto has guessed that much from the slight double vision he has and the nausea that comes and goes.

Mentally Ianto adds a new item to the ever growing list of things he has learned since joining Torchwood Three: "No. 37: just because the Weevil in the back of the SUV looks like it's still sedated doesn't necessarily mean that it is so." All he wants to do now is find some place warm and quiet, either here in the Hub or in his flat, bare and uncomfortable as it is, and go to sleep. Owen seems to be nearly finished, which is a small comfort to Ianto. The doctor has pulled out a folder; his medical file, Ianto realises after a second.

"'Emergency Contact: Lisa Hallett'" Owen reads out loud. "Do you want me to call her for you?"

Ianto flinches at the name, he can't help it. He'd forgotten that was in there and now he's got the attention of both Owen and Jack, who's come down into the autopsy bay to check on him just in time to witness Ianto's reaction. Just his luck. With great difficulties the Welshman swallows the lump in his throat and then shakes his head.

"You can't." he tells Owen, his voice remarkably calm if dare say so himself. "That's… old- outdated information…. from before the Battle of Canary Wharf."

The look he gets from the Captain is full of sympathy, and even Owen manages look a little contrite, which is an incredible feat for him. Jack gives Ianto a short, solemn nod to show him that they understand, that they know how much he lost when Torchwood One went down.

But really, they know nothing.

\---------------  
2.

Ianto makes his way across the Hub, picking up files from the team's work stations. Half of his mind is already in the archives planning how he will cross reference the newest case to a couple of old ones that seem similar. The other half, as always, is on Lisa. He switched her pain medication recently and now she's resting more comfortably during the day. However, it also causes her breathing to get that bit shallower every day. Ianto hopes fervently that he respirator will kick in in time if there is any trouble. He should go check on her again. Maybe he can nip down for a few minutes when the rest of the team thinks he's gone down to the archives, they rarely ever bother him when he's down there. His thoughts are interrupted when he walks past Suzie's work station.

"Oh, Ianto, can you give us a hand here?" Tosh calls out to him. She and Suzie are working on the newest bit of alien tech that the Rift left behind. Jack has informed them that it is a Defabricator ("Does exactly what says on the tin"), and that it might be very useful if it works on rubble and other blockage as well as it does on clothing. Sadly the power cell is missing and now the two Torchwood women are working on adapting the machine to Earth technology and the available power supply. So far with little luck.

Ianto opens his mouth to reply to Tosh's request, but is interrupted by snort from his right.

"Why would you ask Ianto for help, Tosh?" Owen's tone is deeply derisive. "What would a file-shuffling teaboy know about alien tech?"

A wave of annoyance rushes through Ianto and he thinks of the Cyber-conversion-unit in the basement. It used to be a killing machine and now, after his work, under Lisa's instructions, granted, it functions as a life support for Lisa, using both the Cyber and Earth technology. He thinks of all the bits of tech that he liberated from Torchwood London to get the unit up and running again, the respirator and heart monitor welded in next to those terrifying knives. The conversion-unit runs on mains electricity now, drawing its power without anyone noticing directly from the main supply of the very organisation in charge of hunting down alien life forms and technology. Ianto wants to tell Owen all of this, scream at him what this 'teaboy' is capable of doing, just to wipe that condescending smirk off his face for once.

Instead he steadies himself, calms his racing thoughts and adopts his blandest smile.

"Owen's right, I'm afraid." He tells the ladies. "Something like this is really quite outside my expertise, but I'll endeavour to be of use where I can."

He steps up to the metal bench where Tosh and Suzie are stationed and picks up the powered off welding tool with a helpful smile, being careful to point the nuzzle in the wrong direction. Five minutes later he is politely dismissed from "helping" and goes back to his own planning.

\---------------  
3.

Jack snatches the cup out of Ianto's hand before he even has a chance to set it down on the desk. Taking a deep gulp – it's a wonder he never seems to burn his mouth on the hot liquid – the Captain moans appreciatively. With his eyes closed like that, his facial expression is bordering on indecent.

"God, Ianto, have you ever been told that your coffee is to die for?" he breathes.

Ianto allows a small grin to grace his lips as he answers. "Frequently, sir. You and the rest of the team have made your appreciation clear from the start." Jack opens his eyes and looks at him with mischief sparkling in his eyes.

"Ah, yes, I'll give you that." Then he leers suddenly, baring his teeth in an almost predatory smile. "But has anybody ever offered you sexual favours in exchange for your coffee making skills?"

Ianto feels himself stiffen at those words. Lisa. He got to know Lisa over coffee at Torchwood One. They got talking during a coffee break, when Lisa first tasted a cup of Ianto's finest. They met up at the coffee machine 'accidentally' more and more often, which soon turned into regular 'coffee dates', before they eventually went out on real dates. When asked about it, both Ianto and Lisa would deny vehemently that their first out of the office date took place in a coffee shop, because, really, that would be so cheesy, and they don't do cheesy, honestly.

Of course such a relationship can never stay secret for long in any office environment and Ianto and Lisa soon found themselves the target of quite a few jokes and innuendo that made Ianto blush in an ever more embarrassing shade of scarlet. Lisa took it all in stride though, joking along with the rest of the team. She had told them all, with the biggest grin on her face, that having sex with Ianto was a small price to pay, when it meant that she got to drink his coffee first thing in the morning on a regular basis. Of course their colleagues loved that, and it became the running gag of the department that anybody craving good coffee would willingly offer their bodies, or that of their colleagues, partners, spouses, neighbours and/or parents to Ianto in exchange.

Looking at Jack now, who is wiggling his eyebrows suggestively; Ianto feels his mouth run dry, plus a slight sting in his eyes, but he mustn't give himself away.

He manages to steady himself, with some effort, then quirks an eyebrow and replies coolly "Do I need to get you another copy of the 'Sexual Harassment in the Work Place' awareness leaflet again, Sir?"

If Jack notices that Ianto is a moment too late in delivering his comeback, he doesn't comment on it. "What good would that awareness leaflet do?" the Captain simply asks. "I think we're already both well aware of what I'm doing here."

Again, Jack uses the signature Harkness grin. Ianto manages to make his sigh convincingly exasperated, but his heart isn't really into it. He's glad when he can finally flee the office and, displaying a unique show of mercy from the universe, Jack never directly offers his body in exchange for coffee again; though he still does so at every other chance he gets.

\---------------  
4.

Tosh is, as usual, the first one to come in this morning. Well, technically she's the third, but since Jack actually lives at the Hub and on too many nights that nobody knows about, so does Ianto, they don't really count.

Today Tosh seems to be in a particularly fine mood and is already grinning manically when she comes into the Tourist Office that serves as the disguise for the main entrance.

"Good morning, Tosh."

"Good morning, Ianto. I've got something for you."

"For me?" Ianto is surprised. His birthday isn't for another two months, not that he would expect any member of the team to know that.

"I went shopping yesterday, and it was on offer." She opens her oversized handbag and pulls out something. "I saw this and thought of you…" Tosh says with a mischievous grin as she hands him his 'present'.

It's a spray bottle of the cleaning agent that Ianto uses for the Hub, complete with a big silly pink bow around the bottle neck. Ianto can't help it. He gasps as tears spring into his eyes. The same type of bottle. Practically the same words. The same shit eating grin on her face. All so like Lisa's that day. There's bile rising up in his throat and Ianto doubles over slightly. Toshiko is behind the counter and beside him in a flash, concerned hand on his shoulder.

"Ianto, are you alright?" she asks anxiously.

Ianto only just manages to yank a handkerchief out of his pocket and press it to his face to conceal his anguished expression and the treacherous tears. He fakes a row of deep, hacking coughs.

"Yeah, fine." he grounds out. "Must have inhaled something… sorry. Don't worry about me." Tosh doesn't look convinced, but eventually Ianto manages to send her off to the Hub. He then ducks behind the beaded curtain, out of the CCTV camera's sight and takes a minute to calm himself, getting his breathing and heart rate back to nearly normal.

When he comes out again the bottle is still sitting on the counter, bow and all. Ianto dumps it resolutely in the bin and forces his mind back to his daily tasks. He'll have to watch Toshiko's reaction to him carefully today, but he doesn't think he'll actually have to dose her with retcon; not today anyway.

\--------------  
5.

Ianto is just about to take a round of coffee over to the team when he hears what direction the conversation is taking and wisely chooses to stay away for a bit longer. Still the voices of his colleagues reach him loud and clear.

"You have a boyfriend?" Toshiko sounds vaguely surprised.

"Yeah. Have you?" Gwen inquires idly.

"Don't have time with this job."

"What about you? You seeing anyone?"

The question must have been directed at Owen since he answers in his usual charming tone of voice. "You've got to be joking. I can get all the grief I need here."

"None of you have partners?" Ianto's not sure if Gwen sounds more accusatory or pitying now. One way or another, he really doesn't need anybody asking awkward questions about his private life right now. The team will have to cope with the early symptoms of caffeine withdrawal for a couple of minutes. Just long enough for the conversation to be safely gone from everybody's minds.

But of course Ianto isn't quite so lucky – is he ever? For some unknown reason Gwen comes to actively find him and inquires whether he has "a special someone". It is the first personal question that anybody has asked Ianto in months and for a brief moment a part of him is almost ridiculously grateful for the attention. He's gone without proper human, non-work related social interaction for so long now. But then Ianto remembers why he had closed himself off in the first place and what is at stake here. Nobody can know about Lisa, about the secrets he is keeping.

So he gives Gwen his blandest smile and replies. "No. There's no one.", even though the taste of lying about Lisa's existence is sour in his mouth and makes him want to throw up. He hopes that this answer will be enough to make Gwen back off, but again, no such luck for him.

"But why?" the former police woman presses on, her eyes wide. "And don't give me that line about how you don't have time with this job. That's bullshit and you know it. You can still make a relationship work, if you try!"

God, could this woman be any more condescending? She might mean well with her oh so human heart, but she just doesn't know when to stop. Of course Ianto knows that you can make a relationship work, no matter the circumstances. After all, he and Lisa had been together and happy while they were both working for different departments at Torchwood London, and the job there had been no less demanding than the one here. And now they are still together, despite the Cybermen's attempt to destroy everything they had. Even though Lisa is but a shadow of her former self, outwardly distorted almost beyond recognition. Even though Ianto is slowly but surely starting to crack from the pressure of taking care of his love in secret. Lisa lives in almost constant pain and Ianto is the one fighting to keep her alive, forcing her to stay that way really, to find a way to change her back, and he is always alone, hiding both Lisa and his true self from the team. But none of that matters as long as they are together.

A surge of anger and aggression rushes through Ianto's veins. How dare Gwen question him? He is so very tempted to scream out, right into her face, and tell the world about Lisa, consequences be damned, just to wipe that mild expression of pity out of Gwen's face forever.

But no. He manages to control the urge. His façade remains calm and collected. He inclines his head and gives Gwen a wordless shrug, dismissing her questions as inconsequential, and goes back to his work. It doesn't matter what Gwen thinks of him anyway. What does he care if people pity him? One day soon he'll show them how wrong they are. Soon. So soon.

\---------------  
+1.

It is late at night with only the two of them left in the Hub. The rest of the team have gone home, to a bar or wherever. But Ianto has the clean up to finish before he gets to call it a night. Not the simple, daily chore of clearing the Hub of scattered papers and empty take-out boxes, but the kind of "There's a body that needs a cover story and then disposing off" clean up. This is the part about his job that Ianto hates the most. Getting rid of bodies like they're nothing but an inconvenience, like trash – the way HQ got rid of the survivors of Canary Wharf they had deemed damaged beyond repair. Ianto's good at this job, too, that's for sure, but the knowledge doesn't make the gruesome task any easier.

At least he's mostly done for tonight. Only a few odd bits of paperwork left to complete, and he's already decided that those can wait until tomorrow. Ianto wanders over to the small but well selected liquor cabinet, hidden behind the cleaning supplies, which ensures that Owen will never find it. He chooses a bottle of Single Malt Whisky and fills two glasses with a generous amount each. They have earned themselves this "treat" tonight. He takes the glasses over to his colleague, sets them down on the table and pulls up a chair. Neither of them is inclined to speak, so Ianto focuses on sipping his drink. Eventually he speaks up.

"It's true what they say, you know? Torchwood… it's different from any other job. It takes over you're life and if we're not careful we may lose ourselves completely in it." He pauses briefly. "We end up doing things that are considered taboo or forbidden, and maybe they are for a reason; but still we do what we must because we know it's the right thing to do."

His colleague doesn't say anything to this, but somehow the silence is encouraging nonetheless. Ianto takes a sip of his drink to muster up his courage before he decides to tell everything now. He talks about Lisa, how they first met at Torchwood London, how they fell in love, how the Cybermen came to Canary Wharf and their world just fell apart.

Silence. But after another mouthful of his drink Ianto continues anyway. He finds that now that he has started, he cannot stop talking. About how Lisa was changed, different from how she was before, disfigured and not all there, but still alive at least and still the same inside, which is what mattered. About how he hid her and the conversion-unit from the clean-up team in the chaos that followed the Battle of Canary Wharf.

How he got Jack to give him a job in Cardiff instead of a little white pill that offered blissful oblivion.

How he managed to bring Lisa here and set up her station in a hidden vault in the basement.

How he is taking care of her, every night.

Talking about his dark secret out loud, it's like a dam breaking deep inside of Ianto. So much comes to the surface now, spilling forward. Feelings and tears, clawing their way out of him, needing to be heard and acknowledged by someone.

The fear of discovery that is with him every minute of every day.

The pain of seeing his beloved Lisa in such a state.

The feeling of failure when he can never control her pain for long.

The nightmares that haunt his sleep after Canary Wharf.

The colleagues and friends he's lost, and how he just wouldn't be able to survive losing Lisa as well.

The despair of another day gone by without improvement of the state that she is in; another day without progress or help.

The exhaustion that has settled deeply into Ianto's bones, from keeping so many secrets and responsibilities and never showing anything.

And finally the temptation of just telling his team about Lisa, the temptation that keeps getting stronger everyday. The one he has finally given into now.

Ianto swallows down the last of his drink after he has ended. He stares down at his hands, unable to look at his colleague. The silence is oppressive now. Ianto had thought that he would feel better, lighter somehow, if he shared himself with someone. But all he feels is drained and empty. No absolution for him. After a long while Ianto squares his shoulders and looks up at his team mate, steeling himself for what must be done next.

"I'm sorry." He says. "I'm really sorry for how it all had to end. I guess we both could have used someone to talk to much earlier." He picks up the second glass of whisky and drains it in one big gulp. "Goodbye, Suzie."

With a sorrowful sigh, Ianto pushes the drawer with Suzie's body into its place at the morgue and shuts the door gently. He puts the two empty glasses in the sink and deletes all incriminating footage on the internal CCTV and accompanying audio feed. Then he goes down into the basement to look after Lisa.

It's business as usual at Torchwood Three.

\--


End file.
